Teaching Cats

A short story I wrote a while back where Doc, my vampire-hunting Border Collie tries to teach other animals how to hunt vampires.

~~~

“All right you, um, Cats listen up.”

“Doc, I’m not a cat,” Rose, a small Poodle in the front row said.

I tilted my head. “Well, no. You’re a dog. You are supposed to be insulting when you teach things. I saw it on TV.”

“I am a cat. I am not insulted by being one. Perhaps if you called us all dogs. I would find that suitably insulting.”

I looked at the brown Tabby sitting next to Rose and flattened my ears against my head and whined a little. Teaching vampire hunting was turning out to be very difficult. I wished I had Nelli, my Border Collie love, as a student. She would pick up vampire hunting as effortlessly as she herded sheep.

“Okay. Well, then Cats and Dogs, listen up.” I ignored the protest from a couple of other students in the back row. “This is how you hunt dead things. Also known as vampires. They smell dead, so you’ll know what they are.”

“Lots of things smell dead.” The Tabby yawned, putting a delicate white paw over his mouth.

I suppressed a growl only with the greatest of effort. “Yes. These dead things walk though and are very dangerous.”

“I see. Carry on then.”

Rose whined and put her paws over her nose. A few other cats flicked their tails, seeming unconcerned. Some of the dogs looked at each other like they still weren’t sure what was going on. The horse in the background just swished his tail. I hoped they were actually listening.

“Very Dangerous.” I felt I had to say again. “To catch a vampire you look it in the eye and stare at it. You can catch their minds for a while. Then your human can stake them. Let’s practice the eye.” I sank down into a working crouch and stared at my class. A few of the cats shifted nervously. The dogs wagged their tail nervously and the horse, well, did horsey things. I sat up and cocked my head. “Get it? Okay. You try.”

They all stared at me with varying degrees of intensity. The cats were the best at it. There were no other Border Collies in the class.

“Right. We will practice that.”

“So, your human kills the vampire. What do you do when there is no human around?” A Siamese cat with stunning blue eyes asked, stretching lazily.

“Oh I know!” A Lab in the second row spoke up. She jumped up and down, wagging her tail happily.

“Yes?”

“Us dogs stare them in the eye, just like you Doc.” She wagged her tail again and paused to scratch her ear.

I waited as patiently as I could. The cats all looked at the Lab with varying degrees of contempt or annoyance.

“Us cats take over the world, while the dogs are staring at dead things,” A black and white tuxedo cat said from the front row. He licked his paw while he spoke, displaying not only wicked claws, but small almost opposable thumbs. I stared at him, feeling distinctly uncomfortable.

“Um, no.”

The Lab finished scratching. “Yeah, we stare at em, and the cats jump at their faces and scratch their eyes out.”

I, and several of the cats, immediately saw the flaw with this plan. The Siamese shook her head and sauntered away. The Tabby laughed and the tuxedo continued grooming his strange paws. Rose, my Poodle friend, whined again.

“If the cats scratch their eyes out then you won’t be able to hold them still with your stare.”

The Lab wilted. “Oh. Sorry Doc.” She stopped wagging her tail for about five seconds then started again. Grinning.

I sighed. “Ok, let’s practice the stare again. On my count. One… Two…”

Doc chose J. A. (Julie) Campbell to write his stories. He’s a vampire hunting Border Collie and you can read more of his stories on Julie’s website www.writerjacampbell.com. Julie writes fantasy for adults and young adults when she’s not training her own Border Collie to hunt vampires or riding her horse.

This post originally appeared on Devin O’Branagan’s Tails Blog: http://www.tailsinc.com/2012/01/devins-tails-i-create-characters-with-tails/

A Halloween Tail

Since it is Halloween soon, and that also happens to be one of my favorite holidays, I thought I'd share a story with you all.
A little background for the story. Doc is a vampire-hunting dog and the stories are told from his point of view. He's a Border Collie. Doc hunts with his human, Kevin. This story assumes you are at least sort of familiar with the characters (hence the brief intro), and if you enjoy it, you are welcome to check out a few other stories on my website here: http://writerjacampbell.wordpress.com/docs-stories/


Doc's Halloween

I looked ridiculous.

And I wasn’t happy about it.

“Oh, come on Doc, it’s fine.”

I flattened my ears against my head and sulked, refusing to walk in the stupid human clothing. My human said I was a bat. I wanted to tear the fake ears from my head and the cape from my back, but I would leave them on to make Kevin happy. He’d been so sad recently.

My human was dressed in a similar cape with fake dead-thing fangs. I thought he looked stupid too.

“Let’s go Doc.”

I stared in horror as he went out the front door. He couldn’t possibly expect me to go out in public like this? What if Nelli found out? I snorted at that thought, Nelli had no idea who I was, but that didn’t mean I was going outside.

“Doc, come.” His voice was stern, and I had to obey. I slunk across the floor “Let’s go.”

I whined in protest but I followed him outside. I couldn’t even look at Rose, the poodle next door, as we walked past but I thought I heard her snicker. I wasn’t even comforted by the familiar surroundings of our park when we arrived. It was full of people who looked just as dumb as we did.

Kevin walked to a table and handed me a piece of meat. I grudgingly accepted and followed when he started talking to other humans. I knew some of them, some of them I didn’t, but I ignored them all, even when they tried to pet me.

“He’s not happy about being a bat tonight,” my human said.

I whined.

“I’m going to take him to the edge of the crowd for a while. I’ll be back.”

I followed Kevin, happy to be out of the crowd. He leaned against a tree and I leaned against his leg, anxious for the night to be over.

The only warning I had was a faint whiff of garlic and then my human crumpled to the ground, trapping me beneath his body.

* * *

“Doc!”

I lurched to my feet, staggered, and fell down.

“If you’ve hurt my dog!”

“Your demon you mean?”

“Look you stupid twits, I am not a vampire. It’s Halloween, this is a costume. My dog is not a demon.”

I heaved, and puked all over someone’s feet.

“Demon venom! It’ll infect me!” a human wailed.

I winced as the sound pierced my head.

“You poisoned him. Of course he’s sick.”

I heaved one more time and then lay down at Kevin’s feet and whined – then stopped when the sound rattled my head.

“You and your demon dog will be cleansed by the light of the rising sun.”

I didn’t know what the stupid human was talking about, I just wished he would shut up. He was hurting my head.

“What have you guys been smoking?” My human sounded more annoyed than afraid, so I guessed whatever had happened to us couldn’t be that bad.

The other humans didn’t answer Kevin. They did start chanting and placing candles all around the room. I watched until they lit one of them then I had to shut my eyes to avoid more pain in my head.

“What are you doing?” my human asked.

“Preparing for the ritual cleansing.”

“Don’t stop chanting!” The other human snarled at the first.

“Sorry,” the second muttered.

The chant continued and I started to feel better. In fact I started to feel down right thirsty, so I got to my feet, and stayed there this time. I cast about for some water and saw a bowl by one of the human’s feet. I wagged my tail and trotted over to him. He screeched as I stuck my nose in the bowl. There was a small amount of water and I lapped it up before going back to lie at my human’s feet again.

“The demon, he didn’t react to the holy water,” one of them whispered.

“Of course not,” Kevin said. “He’s a dog, not a demon.”

“Maybe we should just stake them and get it over with.” The other human slammed his book shut.

I could smell the first hint of fear from Kevin. He tried to get up from his chair and growled when he couldn’t.

“Come on kids. I’m not a vampire.”

I tuned my human and the other humans out. The things they said meant little too me, but I was starting to understand that Kevin and I didn’t want to be here. I saw the door, it was close but my human was stuck to his chair. I scooted around behind him and saw rope on his hands.

Inspired, I started to chew.

The humans noticed eventually, but it was too late. Kevin jerked his hands free just as one of the other humans cried out in alarm. Kevin stumbled forward and both he and the other human toppled to the ground, extinguishing some candles in the process. Kevin lurched to his feet and the one on the ground cried out.

The other human wasn’t a dead thing, but he did hold a big stick and he was swinging it at Kevin. I barked a warning and threw my whole body into the human’s chest, sending him to the ground. He hit his head on the table as he fell and didn’t move once he was down.

The other human moaned from the ground.

“Come on Doc, let’s get out of here.”

I followed and we raced out of the basement and into the early morning light.

“Now I think I might know how the vampires feel,” Kevin said softly as we stood in the driveway.

I woofed quietly.

“Ok, let’s call the cops. And next Halloween… we’re staying home.”

I wagged my tail happily when my human removed my stupid costume and ruffled my ears.

“What would I do without you Doc?”

I grinned.